I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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