How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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