Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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