Princesses don't give blow jobs
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
