apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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