dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
