He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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