I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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