WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
