God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
