Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
