i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize