my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
