Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
