So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
