youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
