I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How does it feel to date your dad?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
