Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
