my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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