the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
