We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
