I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
