TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
