Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
