my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
