I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
