woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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