The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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