So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
