my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
