I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
