THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
