Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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