I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dignity is for republicans.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
