**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
