I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
