She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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