don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
