dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
