I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
