In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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