he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
