so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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