laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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