If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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