i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
