Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
