last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My cat gives me a boner
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
