I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
