my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
