just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
