You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
