Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
